


Man of Words

by DrowningInTheRainbow



Series: Man of Action [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Established Relationship, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 08:44:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8198701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningInTheRainbow/pseuds/DrowningInTheRainbow
Summary: Shepard finds that Kaidan would lick the words into the back of his neck, but never say the words Shepard had spoken time and again. Shepard does not ponder this, too afraid of pushing Kaidan away.
Kaidan is afraid if he speaks those words, his world just might crumble. He is not afraid of the truth of the words, he knows exactly how he feels for Shepard, but it is another matter to bring them into existence. Once those words leave his lips he can never take them back. And he wouldn’t want to take them back! He was just afraid.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I believe this can be read without reading the previous story.  
> Side-note that in one scene I recreate the Huerta Memorial dialogue and I know it’s not right, and I apologize for that. I was going more for Shepard’s inner thoughts and emotions rather than the correct dialogue, but I understand if this devalues the story.  
> Rated for language and sexual references.

Everyone on this ship knew the likelihood of their survival. It was something a lot of people were contending with, a facet of war. In these times, Kaidan had seen so many relationships rise in fall out of desperation, out of fear of permanence, and out of love. Kaidan didn’t know where he and Shepard fell.

Shepard, no doubt, was trying not to think of these things. When Shepard held Kaidan in his arms at night, exhausted either from the day’s events or from a tumble in the sheets with Kaidan, he didn’t think about the _why_ or the _how_ or the _when_ of their relationship. He was a man of action. He focused on the feelings he felt for Kaidan and tried to project them as best he could.

Of course, Shepard had learned his lesson and took every opportunity he could to also _speak_ his emotions. Obviously, he wasn’t very good at it or he would talk with Kaidan about whatever was holding back his own declaration of love, but he wasn’t that skilled with words yet. He was afraid of fucking up whatever they had.

And Shepard loved whatever it was they had! He loved Kaidan and he loved saying that. Every opportunity he had, no matter who they were with, he would take a chance to say “I love you” to Kaidan.

But then Kaidan would smile and, if deemed appropriate, kiss Shepard. He had yet to say those words back.

Shepard pushed that notion away and returned to the happiness swirling his mind. Swirling, like the feel of Kaidan’s tongue on his skin, tracing words he couldn’t say. Swirling, like they tumble in a mock fight for dominance. Swirling, like Kaidan’s head in a migraine while Shepard holds him. Swirling, like emotions in Shepard’s mind threatening to swell forth.

At some point, it becomes too much to hold back.

Shepard doesn't know when everything changed. He doesn't think about these things. One day he was fine when Kaidan wouldn't say those words. Then it pissed him off. His smile would falter and he would clench his fist instead of touching Kaidan's shoulder or arm. Kisses felt like they were missing their spark.

Shepard was a man of action. He didn't know how to be a man of words. He's trying.

* * *

 

"Hey, Shepard." Kaidan says in his sweet baritone. He'd be lying if he said he didn't notice the way his lover was pulling away from him. He would also be lying if he said he didn't know what it was about.

Shepard smiles at him but doesn't reach out to bring their lips together, as he did before. He doesn't move his hands from behind his back. Shepard remains quiet and still for a long moment before replying, "Fancy meeting you here."

Kaidan thinks to chuckle, but can feel the palpable tension. "Shepard, I–" Kaidan goes to speak but is suddenly pulled forward biotically against Shepard. Shepard pulls him into the elevator and closes the door behind him.

"We need to talk," Shepard grunts.

* * *

_Then_

“So, I just wanna make sure. After Mars, after Horizon, we’re good, right?” Kaidan asked, not looking away from Shepard though clearly feeling pain.

Shepard didn’t know what to say. He was angry. He wanted to throw something, to throttle Kaidan, to scream ‘what the hell were you thinking!?’ but he doesn’t. He clenches his hands into fists but clears his throat and replies, “Yeah, but I don’t know how to get past it.”

“I admit, I owe a lot of that. I couldn’t trust you, or I was afraid to. I didn’t want to believe it was you, didn’t want to deal with the pain if it was. And I’m sorry. I just want you to know that… that I’m still here for you.” Kaidan’s hand shifted and Shepard thought for a moment the man would reach out to grasp his hand, but instead the Major just shifted up in his bed and continued. “So we bury it. Forgive it.”

Shepard smiled softly and looked away. “Yeah.”

* * *

“I’m not… I’m not mad. I know that’s not a good start to any conversation, but I don’t want you to think that I’m angry,” Shepard started as he paced across the room while Kaidan sat on their… on Shepard’s bed. The older man wouldn’t look at Kaidan but Kaidan wouldn’t stop following Shepard with his eyes, as though willing the man to stop. The Major thought about reaching out his arms to still the Commander, but was afraid he would just as much still the man’s words.

Both knew this conversation was long in coming, but neither knew where to start, except it seems with a bad foot. Both hesitant to explain their feelings, either with words or actions. Shepard knew it was his pacing setting a tense air about the room, while Kaidan’s inaction was just as blameful. Their silence was eerie all the same.

Shepard tried again, “I just need an answer. I need to know _why_ and I’m sorry that I need to hear you say it. I don’t doubt the feeling, the actions that you make for me. I question the intention. And I don’t want to question you, Kaidan, ever again.” Shepard stilled, his back to Kaidan.

Though the Commander could not see the Major’s actions, his shoulders tensed as he heard the Major move from his seat. He was afraid the Major would leave, and that would be answer enough.

Instead, Shepard felt Kaidan’s presence behind him, though the Major did not wrap his arms around his lover as he had before. Instead, he remained a good distance apart and spoke: “I understand, Shepard. I was where you are just a short time ago. All I can offer you is no good excuse. I’m afraid, just as I believe you are now. But I am afraid of a stupid, stupid thing. I’m afraid that when I say those words, those sweet words you have said to me time and time again, I will make whatever this is real. And when it is real, I know it will hurt that much more. It’s going to hurt every time you go into battle without me. It’s going to hurt when you’re _in_ battle beside me, knowing I can’t protect you. It’s going to hurt when this war comes to a close, because I don’t know if either one of us is going to make it out of this alive.

“But I see now, why it was so stupid to hold back those words, Shepard. I love you, and I have for a long time. I already love you, and I’m not afraid when you go into battle because I know that I’m fighting for you as much as you’re fighting for me. You’re a damn strong man, Shepard, and I think we’re going to come out of this war just fine. I do love you, Shepard. Please don’t ever question that.”

Kaidan closes the distance between him and his lover. Arms snake around Shepard’s waist and the Commander tries to blink away the happy tears in his eyes. Words have a power greater than he had ever given them credit for, and he was a fool to not cherish them sooner.

Shepard twists in Kaidan’s arms and brings their lips together, conveying all the passion he had been keeping bottled up. With a throaty chuckle he separates them and whispers, “Sorry for being a sap.”

Kaidan smiles and kisses him again, “You’ve been watching too much _Fleet and Flotilla_ again, haven’t you?”

“Maybe.”


End file.
